If you haven’t seen “Hannah Montana,” it’s probably because you’re older than 15 and have no children. The show is a monster hit, and a huge franchise for Disney. Miley Cyrus, the star of the show, is becoming both a well-known TV actress and a pop sensation. But today I want to focus on the show “Hannah Montana,” and why it’s ludicrous.

On the show, Miley plays a high schooler living a double life as a student and a pop superstar. She spends part of her time as Miley Stewart, high schooler, then at night she slaps on a blond wig and goes on stage as Hannah Montana, big-time pop singer. As show premises go, it’s one of the more ridiculous ones ever. For starters, are people really going to not notice that Miley and Hannah are the same person? They look exactly the same except for one has brown hair and one has blond hair. If I slapped on a blond wig, I’m pretty sure people would look at me and say, “Hey, it’s Jason Gluckman in a blond wig!” I highly doubt they would be like, “Hey, it’s that pop superstar who definitely isn’t in my math class!” You see what I’m saying?

Or forget for a second that Miley Stewart and Hannah Montana look exactly the same. Let’s assume they did fool people. Still, how would Hannah Montana be able to perform the duties of a successful pop star while still attending high school? There’s a reason people like Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera didn’t go to high school. It’s not because they thought Chemistry was boring (although that may very well be the case). It’s because pop stars have many obligations that they need to take care of, and these obligations take up a ton of time. You can’t just saunter out of school and drive over to the ampitheater to put on a show. You have to give interviews to magazines and newspapers. You have to go on radio shows and dodge questions about whether you’re dating the guy from the CW Network show. You have to do vocal warm-ups and meet and greets and shake hands and sign autographs and kiss babies. You’re basically a politician with better abs.

Let’s assume someone wanted to graduate school while pursuing a pop career. Chances are they would be home schooled, and take a tutor on the road with them. Or they would accelerate their learning to graduate at an early age. Pop star Tiffany Evans just released her first album and is on her way to becoming a star. She graduated high school by the time she was 14 so that she could pursue her singing career full time. Is that easy? No. But it’s much easier than trying to attend public school at the same time you’re carrying on as an established pop superstar, which is actually quite impossible.

So there you have it. The plot of “Hannah Montana” is outrageous. Not only would most students recognize Miley and Hannah as the same person, but the ones who didn’t would look it up on Wikipedia and figure it out. And Miley/Hannah wouldn’t have time to balance high school and singing. So for all of you who expect accurate portrayals of real-life from Disney shows, I’m sorry, but this kind of thing just wouldn’t happen.

Jason Gluckman is a freelance writer specializing in music, TV, pop culture, social issues and self-improvement. Despite his disbelief of the “Hannah Montana” plot, he did work in the cell phone industry and has a fond appreciation of Hannah Montana ringtones and other AT&T ringtones.
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